So Sorry
by KirbyGirly
Summary: McBreezy's LTM Challenge. Season 2 Episode 18 "Headlock" in Dave's POV. This is AU, a letter saying goodbye. Hopefully it's not too OOC.


A/N: PLEASE READ. Okey dokey, this is totally AU after the ending of "Headlock", which by the way, if you haven't seen, you're gonna be mighty confused. There's some spoilers in here for that episode. This took me a while to come up with, actually, and I rewrote it a few times and got stuck a few more times, because honestly, I had nothing. Nada. And then this idea came to me that once Dave told Gillian about his real life, he had to run to protect her and himself, so this could take place a week or two after "Headlock". I hope you like it!

  
>Dave's POV<p>

Gillian,

I'm so sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. I never meant to lie to you. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to fall in love.

But I guess I can't help that, can I? Because goddamn you're beautiful. And not just your face, your body. I love your smile, your wit, the way your eyes light up when you're happy, or eating chocolate pudding of all things.

But I can't stay. I wish I could, but you've figured me out. I should've known you would. So I'm leaving this letter explaining things. It might not be much, but it will have to do.

You left my apartment that morning in a rush, and I had no idea what I'd done to spook you. I went back into the bedroom and as I was getting ready, I noticed that things weren't in their right place. You know what I'm talking about; the passport, the cell phone. I wish you hadn't found them. When I snuck into your work that afternoon, you were acting strange, and I wanted to talk to you about it, but I had to get ready for the drug run that night.

And then later I found you in my apartment that night. You tried saying that you were just looking for an earring or something, but then I held up the passport, saying it wasn't where I left it. You were upset, near tears, and I hate to see you cry. So I told you the truth. I did that knowing what the consequences could be, because I hate to lie to you. But I did. I told you I wasn't going anywhere and even as I said those words I knew I'd have to leave soon.

But I didn't want to think about that then, when I was holding you, knowing that the days we had together were numbered, because my superiors always find out when I've been compromised. I don't know how, but the few times it's happened, it's always less than a few days before I get called forward to receive a new identity, a new life. It's not a great way to live, always being on the run in a sense, but it's my work, which I'm dedicated to until the end. I know you can understand that, can't you? The business you and Cal built up from the ground into something that's successful and potentially life saving. We're alike in that way, Gillian, what we do saves lives in the long run. We don't just shrink peoples' heads in some stuffy office. I didn't lie to you when I said I was a psychologist. That's what I did for three years after I got out of college. But somehow, someway, I was recruited by the DEA, and the rest is history.

So now you know everything. And know that I won't forget you, but I know that you'll be ok. I may not be a human lie detector/face reader, but I'm not blind. I saw how Cal looked at you the night I met him, and when he pulled me aside to give me the "don't hurt my best friend" talk, I could see the pain in his eyes. He loves you, Gill, and I know you love him. Those few times I was around you both at the same time, sometimes it would be a look or a touch to the arm or back, or a word spoken between you two, and the rest of the world ceased to exist. In fact, I doubt you two even noticed what was happening at the time. I'm not accusing you of anything, I know you were faithful to me, Gillian, I trust you with that, but there was just an obvious air of love between you two that you both ignored or couldn't see. My guess is the latter, because everyone else could see it, right in front of them, in front of you. But that's how it usually is, isn't it? You don't notice the things that are right in front of your face until they're gone.

I'm sorry I couldn't tell you all of this in person, I really wanted to. I wanted a chance to say goodbye. But my superiors only gave me a small window of time to collect my belongings and get out of town. They said that somehow, the two MS-13 members I was following got wind of the investigation. These are not guys that you want to mess with. So when my boss called saying that I or anyone I had had contact with was in danger, I knew what I had to do.

This letter is a goodbye. It's a hope that even though I'm gone, you won't forget about me.


End file.
